Have you ever been in public when you experienced a ‘big moment’ as a parent or caregiver of an individual who is neurodivergent, or are you an adult who is neurodivergent? Even when there is a lot of progress, there can still be some challenging moments. It does not mean you are taking a step backwards. Individuals who are neurodivergent can experience the world with very strong emotions- potentially more than one who is neurotypical.

My family experienced one of these moments this weekend with my son. For him and many of the clients I work with, one of the most challenging things we work with is denied access. Denied access is an ABA way to describe when someone is requesting something that is unavailable to them at the time of the request. In other words, they do not have access to what they want. Strong intense emotions that frequently lead to maladaptive behavior can be the result, especially if one is not yet trained well to de-escalate and regulate.

Every client I work with has similar but varying maladaptive behaviors. This weekend with my son we experienced: task refusal, aggression, SIB or self-injurious behavior, tantrum, property destruction, and elopement.

These behaviors stem from one simple thing: my son wanted to buy a toy from the store. While my husband and I were willing to allow him to use his money and buy something within the $10ish range, we denied him to make a purchase for $30 because he did not have the money, and we were not going to pay the difference. (This is considered denied access).

I found myself using my techniques from work to get my son to a safe place at the mall: the under the armpit scoop to shuffle him to a chair to sit away from the store we were in. When my son dropped to the floor, I picked him up around the middle and carried him to the chair. I did this all while he was screaming, arms flailing and heads were turning to look.

It is easy to feel embarrassed, or ashamed when people turn their heads to look when you are dealing with a situation like this. I focused on my task-helping my son get to a safe place and then I needed my inhaler and a refreshing drink (lemonade) once we were sitting. My family learned something valuable a couple of years ago that we practice when faced with these hardships. We do not cross the street or go into a parking lot until my son is calm.

We sat there for about an hour while my son continued to yell, scream and demand things while my husband and I ignored his behavior. If you were on the outside, you might think you see a spoiled child and neglectful parents. This was not the case. Our actions were intentional, called ‘planned ignoring’.

Planned ignoring is helpful when the behavior is attention seeking, or when the behavior is higher in magnitude. Some clients I work with have a de-escalation procedure in their program. It helps them learn some de-escalation techniques. My son does better with a space to feel his emotions and process on his own. Redirection sometimes helps once he is ready to accept it.